You finally do !

Congratulation gurlll. You now know what you want and have the guts to do it. Keep going to do whatever make you happy. Because att the end, you are the only one that could do.

It's not easy, at all. We live in a place where our business is their business. Everybody thought that they could control everyone else. But no. You got the power over your own body and you could do anything, from using niqab to get pierced in your tongue.

That what freedom is.

And what freedom feels.

It's a previlege.

I'm proud of you. Because not everyone could do what they want. I want to do it- like you do. But, if it's me, i think tias is to important to lose, and i don't want to do something he might hate. But i'm still considering tho, what is the most important? My happiness, or his feelings?

Actually, it also applied with you and your parent relationship i think. You and them are now disagree with something, but the problem is, it's your own body, which is yours. Maybe- you really should talk to them, one more time. To have a deal. You (both) need to tolerate - that i know you will because you dont want to see them hurt, and they either.

Be happy sap.

My friend said that we only have one youth.

Make it count and worth living.

He said,

"you look thicker"

-Yes I know, I am, and I'm not proud of it. 

"And you look skinnier," I said.

"It's a compliment tho."

"I like thick girls"

Dari sekian banyak orang yang gue temui, temen temen yang ada di sekitar gue, baru kali ini gue bener bener ada denger dari mulut seorang laki-laki bahwa beneran ada laki-laki yang suka cewe thick.

Finally gue mendengar bahwa being fat is not always bad.

And someone love it!

Terlepas dari dia jujur atau ngga, tapi it makes me feel good. I feel better about myself. 

(But he looks sincere)

(and i want to believe that he mean it)

So ya, a simple thing that could make my day.

I always hate my body and shape. And I don't get comfortable in my daily "tertutup" outfit.

I still want to be skinnier tho,

But I just wanted to be happy.

And you're not helping me, Bo. I hate to feel bad of being not as beautiful as you wish.

I love using those shortpants even if I have a thick things.

I am proud of my breast, I don't happy to always has to use those loose shirt.

I love my curly hairs, the way it is. Stop calling me botak, cause I'm not.

I love to get tanned, I don't care if any other girl just want to have fairer skin.

Or I loved,

I used to.

I wish you one day will really accept me as who I am.

No matter what size I am, Bo.

I Found My God in the Chruch

God will hear

No matter where we pray

Never thought that I will miss my god the most when i hear them praying in the chruch..

Not saying that i'm believe in jesus

Nor that they're wrong

But

They pray with all their heart

They sing so loud

To worship their god

It's beautiful

And touching

But i can't

Believe in their believe

I missed my god

My own god

I am ashamed

I never pray to the god,

To my god

I want to feel the bless

Like they did

I want to feel god in my heart

Like they did

Allah,

I can find you there

Deep in my heart

No matter where i pray

You are who im praying to

And i have faith in

Led me

Once more

And a thousand times more

Look at you now

Well, listen girl

Now you see

Things are fine

You're alright

Everything is alright

You been trough that ugly phase

And now,

Focus on what you're doing now

Chase it

Take it

Grab it

Because you deserve so much more

If they can't deal with you,

They don't deserve you

You are great

Don't let other people tell you otherwise

You

Are

Just

Perfect

Give yourself a time

One of my friend thought that time won't heal.

But I disagree, actually,

I just don't know how to tell.

Time will heal.

Time will make you feel much better.

You won't feel the pain anymore.

Time will bring you something good someday. 

Someone to be loved again.

Deeper, bigger love.

You won't forget. 

"it takes huge effort to free yourself from memory", huh?

It's too much to try to free yourself from memory

It's easier to make one,

A good one.

You won't forget.

But as I know, you won't feel the pain anymore.

You will be surprised what time could do

Or maybe it's because you end it wrong,

When my grandma passed away by train accident,

I didn't want to see her cold-dead-face, so i don't

Because I don't want to remember her last face for the rest of my life

I just want to remember her warm smile,

And her goodnight hug,

And her beautiful laugh.

Maybe you doing it wrong,

you both end it wrong.

And you don't get the closure you need.

So you remember your bad memories more than the sweet ones.

Why?

Why'd you choose to do that?

You've been with her for months, maybe years.

Years filled with happiness and good things.

Years filled with laughs and smiles.

Why'd you choose to make it feel hurts?

Aren't you supposed to be happy and grateful of all of that sweet memories?

It was sweet.

It is sweet.

You won't forget.

You'll remember 

how she tied her shoes

how she love her coffee

how she do her hair

how she love the cat/ dog

But one day, you won't be worried about not seeing that glanced in her eyes again.

You will remember all of that as a sweet memories.

One day you won't be worried about losing all of it,

because it don't.

She's still smiling out there.

Be happy because it's still there, somewhere in this world.

Or maybe,

it's not about the memories.

Nor about what she did to hurt you

It's because of you.

You can't forgive yourself of losing her.

But listen.

You don't need to live with all the pain,

You can set yourself free,

You can.

If you wanted to.

After you forgive

Forgive,

And time will do the rest

Is It 20s Crisis Already?

Gonna be 21 soon. After 18, i hate being older. 21 is a legal age.  I am allowed to do ANYTHING without my parent permission. Yet, 21 is not a fun number. I am (soon) going to be an adult. YES. Adult. What a cruel word. I dont know what early 20s going to be like. 21, 22, 23, 24, times is going to pass so fast that at one poin i could even forget how old am I.

21. I feel so old. Like sooo old that I am going to die soon of some old-sickness. I am no longer a teenager so (probably) sociaty won't let me make an excuse of the bad decisions I made, or they wont let me do nothing wrong, cause when you are adult, (probably) there's no time for mistakes. Now they (probably) wont let my "emotional roller coaster" to be an excuse of some ugly attitude.

I don't want to be 21. I even hate being 20. I wish I'm always 19. So I can say "I'm adult now" and "I'm still young" at the same times. 18 and 19 is like getting all my right and allowed to forget all my duties. And they let me.

But still, I'm going to be 21 soon. I'm going to graduate college in about 1 year or so. I'm going to get married! Oh how I'm not prepared for adulthood and "wifehood" at the same time. I'm going to work. It's bitter. It feels like all those responsibility is falling on me, and I don't even know how to deal with it. Not that I'm not grateful tho.

And I don't hate time. It gives me wisdom. I am no longer hate the person who talked behind me (or I'm trying). I'm trying to forgive them, and forgive myself also for not being perfect. I am trying to keep my privacy, because I learn that most people get close to you to get you down. And that not everybody is happy with your achievement. But maybe I do it wrong, I used to care to my surrounding, I used to happy to listen to them, but now, I feel like sometimes I had trust issue, and self-confident Issue also. I am trying to be less-judgamental, and I'm trying to put myself on other's shoes. Because my nature is to want to be the best, and I learned how to not to be annoyed by other's achievement too.

Times makes me know myself better. Times makes me a better person (I hope).

But times changed me. I don't know, is it time or is it my surrounding and sociaty. But times takes part to make me who I am today. But I know, that even if i feels like now i could manage my emotion better, but I don't like who I am today. I am not happy with who I am today.

But I'm still learning how to get trough this phase, and I hope that in 10 years, I could say to myself, "dang! Girl you did your early 20's right.". But I'm not sure that it's going to happen, as in past few years, I feels like I am losing myself and I can't keep it together. It's like I'm falling into pieces and I lost a few pieces.

I feels like 20s is rough. I learn a lot, but in a hard way. In a summary, in 20s I got my first mini-deppression (but it makes me losing some weight), I become more and more introvert, i get a self-confident problem (when I was a kid, my self confident level is soo high, and I was always proud of myself, I get some trust- issue, I get to realize that someone I trust (and care) could talk behind my back (and the thing they are saying is even not all true - most of it are lies and hiperbolic) and so that I don't need to explain myself to other to get a justification (this one is so sad because it's related to Sisgahana and Sisgahana means a lot to me. I thought that they are my family, and i thought that they know me pretty well that I don't need to explain myself. But I was wrong. They are not, even a family. And it hurts so bad because I care of them and I love them, truly love them. So now, I could just only wish for the best for them), I get to realized that I am not just going to be fine all the times and thing could get ugly so soon (I just realized that soon, maybe my life could be hard and I won't have a lot of money, so I have to start to learn how to live that kind of life of not always able to buy everything I want), I get to wonder "am I doint it right, all this time", I get to be more v"closed" and keep avoiding human interaction, and the worst is, I feel so lost and unhappy in my 20s.

It's hard for me, but my partner don't think so. Probably it's because he's a man and he's not thinking to much, like I do. And he had a pretty rough time of his life so that he was forced to take those "adult responsibility" long before 20 or 21, so 20 and 21 is just a phase of his life. And he has no time to dealing with such "life crisis". But I do.

I don't know what to expect in my 21st, because I am no longer expecting to much. But I wish things is going to be better, and that finally, I could found my happiness once again. 

I love you