I wish.. in 2 years I could finally travel far east.. to NTT, to Maluku, To Papua.. Living in Bandung for 3 years makes me realized that I don't really like the cold weather. Here we got less sunshine. And that's too bad. As a three-quarter Indonesian, I should have a tan ski, like it's a must. Because it's pur pride, Indonesian Pride. Tan skin and black hair, oh we're so exotic. We're blessed with those pigments. 

I really wish I could go to the beach.. right now. Like really, right now. Can I please wake up in an isle? Oh god how I miss the sound of the ocean, the endless wave sound, the birds, the emptiness after it. Oh how I miss the line between the ocean and the sky. Here in Bandung or Jakarta, we won't see any line, as there's too much buildings.

I wish I get enough money to stay in bali for this 3 month holiday. I could get used to it. Tan skin. Salty hair. A little burned skin. It's better than here, only planning for the wedding and doing nothing else. I love to roll at the sand. To look at the bright sky. Oh god I hate student live. I really can't wait to get a job and save my sallary to go for holiday I always craved.

Badly, after month trying to save my money, I only got around 1 million. So it means that the only place I could visit is pulau seribu. Too bad I can't wear bikini and do sunbathing there. It would be awkward. Isn't is sad, as I grow older, the ammount of money I get is not increasing, but my need? Uh it's increased like hell! I even only eat in a cheap place now but still, I can't save much money. A few semester ago, I could go to Bali every semester break because I could save a lot! And that's the life I want. Go to the beach every 4-6 month. REFRESHED. Damn life's suck. But saltwater heals. 

Can someone please give me 2 million so I could go to Bali for a few day? I could die caused of the lack of sunshine....

This part of my pre-wedding journey..

Just a week before, I was just so in love with him for no reason.

And now, I feel like I can't. Get married. I really can't. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. He did nothing wrong nor hurt me. I just can't.

I even don't want any human interaction. I wish I could really just dissapear. I wish I had no phone. I wish I was alone and I wish EVERYBODY LET ME. BE ALONE. JUST FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE. DONT TEXT ME DONT CALL ME PLEASE JUST LET ME DO MY OWN THING AND STAY AWAY. including you, boo. leave me alone for a moment

Is It True? Is It Really My Passion?

Tau ndak salahsatu hal paling membahagiakan di hidup ini itu apa? Ketika kita menemukan hal yang kita suka dan kita tau kita mau. I really think that I finally found my interest in law, human right. International human right. I'm currently applying for my dissertation, titled

"Pertanggungjawaban Perserikatan Bangsa-Bangsa atas Kasus Pelanggaran Hak Asasi Manusia yang Dilakukan oleh Pasukan Penjaga Perdamaian PBB di Republik Afrika Tengah"

And I'm excited with it. I know, di Indonesia tuh kaya hukum yang laku adalah hukum ekonomi atau hukum perdata ya yang gitu gitu lah. BUT I REALLY THINK HUMAN RIGHT IS MY PASSION. Gue yang dari masuk hukum udah suka sedih gitu kalo denger kasus kekerasan sama anak kecil, perang atau gitulah. Dan akhirnya, after long 6 semester, gue berpikir mungkin memang gue harus melakukan sesuatu to help.

Memang kadang kepikiran, kalau nulis skripsi tentang HAM, lalu nanti kerjanya mau jadi apa? Mau kerja dimana? Harus belajar lagi dong tentang hukum indonesia (pidana, perdata, etc)? Tapi sekarang w lagi pengen jadi orang PBB boleh ga sih ngarep mimpi setinggi itu? :( Ga di PBB juga gapapa sih asal bisa ikut minimal sekaliiii aja ke Syria atau ke Sudan atau kemana gitu. Sekaliiii aja :( 

Kadang, w tuh kalau tiba-tiba bisa seyakin dan sekepengen ini sama satu hal, gue tahu bahwa Tuhan bilang ke w, "that's it. that's your way of life. do it well, chase it and I will take care the rest." gitu :( mungkin ga sih Tuhan dengan sengaja menetapkan hati gue buat kuliah hukum lalu Ia menetapkan hati gue untuk ngambil hukum intenasional lalu on this point, Tuhan menetapkan hati gue untuk mengambil tugas akhir tentang HAM agar hati gue terketuk lalu suatu saat nanti Tuhan akan mengirimkan gue ke Syria lalu gue mati disana. Dan gue merasa gue menghianati kepercayaan Tuhan dan mengabaikan arahanNya kalo gue tidak menjalankan apa yang gue yakini benar.

Skripsi kayaknya akan jadi super hard yet boring, sekarang baru ngajuin Bab I aja udah asemele asemele :( Terus kadang gue hopeless banget karena literally semua referensi skripsi gue adalah dalam bahasa inggris dan bahasa inggris gue ngga fluent gituloh. BUT sekarang kadang sedikit ada semangat gitu dalam hari berbisik. "Ayo semangat skripsinya biar bisa cepet lulus terus kerja di UN Human Right Council, International Committee of Red Cross, UN High COmmisioner for Refugeees, atau minimal jadi volunteer untuk Peacekeeping Operation" Iya itu bisikan kecil, karena sebagian besar perasaan gue adalah, "Gila apa ini apa ini. Gila gila. My brain can't take it." Gitu.

Tapi ya gitu. ANW, I hope that we all (finally) know what we want and have enough bravery to chase it and make it come true <3 Dan doakan judul gue besok langsung di approve ya gaes. xoxo

Nb: a lil pic to make you feel more and more grateful

oh I just need a little procrastination here, procrastination there, sidetracked here, sidetracked there, and voila ((wuushhhh)) my friends already graduated, and here I'm alone, doing my undergraduate dissertation just right before I got dropped out.