21. I feel so old. Like sooo old that I am going to die soon of some old-sickness. I am no longer a teenager so (probably) sociaty won't let me make an excuse of the bad decisions I made, or they wont let me do nothing wrong, cause when you are adult, (probably) there's no time for mistakes. Now they (probably) wont let my "emotional roller coaster" to be an excuse of some ugly attitude.
I don't want to be 21. I even hate being 20. I wish I'm always 19. So I can say "I'm adult now" and "I'm still young" at the same times. 18 and 19 is like getting all my right and allowed to forget all my duties. And they let me.
But still, I'm going to be 21 soon. I'm going to graduate college in about 1 year or so. I'm going to get married! Oh how I'm not prepared for adulthood and "wifehood" at the same time. I'm going to work. It's bitter. It feels like all those responsibility is falling on me, and I don't even know how to deal with it. Not that I'm not grateful tho.
And I don't hate time. It gives me wisdom. I am no longer hate the person who talked behind me (or I'm trying). I'm trying to forgive them, and forgive myself also for not being perfect. I am trying to keep my privacy, because I learn that most people get close to you to get you down. And that not everybody is happy with your achievement. But maybe I do it wrong, I used to care to my surrounding, I used to happy to listen to them, but now, I feel like sometimes I had trust issue, and self-confident Issue also. I am trying to be less-judgamental, and I'm trying to put myself on other's shoes. Because my nature is to want to be the best, and I learned how to not to be annoyed by other's achievement too.
Times makes me know myself better. Times makes me a better person (I hope).
But times changed me. I don't know, is it time or is it my surrounding and sociaty. But times takes part to make me who I am today. But I know, that even if i feels like now i could manage my emotion better, but I don't like who I am today. I am not happy with who I am today.
But I'm still learning how to get trough this phase, and I hope that in 10 years, I could say to myself, "dang! Girl you did your early 20's right.". But I'm not sure that it's going to happen, as in past few years, I feels like I am losing myself and I can't keep it together. It's like I'm falling into pieces and I lost a few pieces.
I feels like 20s is rough. I learn a lot, but in a hard way. In a summary, in 20s I got my first mini-deppression (but it makes me losing some weight), I become more and more introvert, i get a self-confident problem (when I was a kid, my self confident level is soo high, and I was always proud of myself, I get some trust- issue, I get to realize that someone I trust (and care) could talk behind my back (and the thing they are saying is even not all true - most of it are lies and hiperbolic) and so that I don't need to explain myself to other to get a justification (this one is so sad because it's related to Sisgahana and Sisgahana means a lot to me. I thought that they are my family, and i thought that they know me pretty well that I don't need to explain myself. But I was wrong. They are not, even a family. And it hurts so bad because I care of them and I love them, truly love them. So now, I could just only wish for the best for them), I get to realized that I am not just going to be fine all the times and thing could get ugly so soon (I just realized that soon, maybe my life could be hard and I won't have a lot of money, so I have to start to learn how to live that kind of life of not always able to buy everything I want), I get to wonder "am I doint it right, all this time", I get to be more v"closed" and keep avoiding human interaction, and the worst is, I feel so lost and unhappy in my 20s.
It's hard for me, but my partner don't think so. Probably it's because he's a man and he's not thinking to much, like I do. And he had a pretty rough time of his life so that he was forced to take those "adult responsibility" long before 20 or 21, so 20 and 21 is just a phase of his life. And he has no time to dealing with such "life crisis". But I do.
I don't know what to expect in my 21st, because I am no longer expecting to much. But I wish things is going to be better, and that finally, I could found my happiness once again.
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